Recently, I’ve become an adult orphan.
I’ve spent some time over the past few weeks trying to process that. How does it feel? What does it mean?
Even though I moved out of home when I was 19, I always felt an extreme sense of comfort when I returned to my mother or fathers house.
I was home.
But now that’s gone.
The two people who love you unconditionally are your Mother and Father. Others can claim to love you the same, but they never will.
So that comfort and that safe feeling of knowing that someone will always have your back, is gone.
There’s no longer any room for financial or any other kind of error.. no parents to dig me out of trouble… it’s just me, to fend for myself and solve my own problems.
No ‘going home’ for Christmas.. no grandparents for my kids to visit, no parents birthdays to celebrate, no proud parents to share my accolades with, no all chipping in to move house or do the garden etc etc etc…
It makes me feel numb… it’s a different feeling from anything I’ve ever known.
Yet in a somewhat odd way, I don’t feel sad. Just accepting of the fact. Life is running its course… and I can’t change that.
And I wonder…. does this now mean I’m a ‘real’ adult? I’m now a completely self sufficient, stand alone entity.
This is particularly enhanced given that I’m an independent parent. Therefore me, myself and I need to take every care to make sure I keep my life on the straight and narrow… for myself and my beautiful children.
Over the years I’ve often compared myself to how my Mother was at a similar age.. and I’ve never really felt like a ‘real adult’… just ‘me’ coping daily with life’s adult situations… and gradually realizing I’m using the same phrases and discipline tactics on my own kids as my parents did on me, twenty something years earlier!!
But I still never viewed myself with the same respect and admiration that I had for my own parents… the ‘real adults’ in my life.
So, I guess this is it… the next stage of adulthood… the part where you are well and truly out on your own. I’m just so thankful that I have many years of memories and influences from my adult hero’s that I can pass on to my children.
And whilst I’m here, I intend to spend us much time creating the same for my children… because surely I’m one of their ‘adult parent heroes’ already… and you just never know when those opportunities will cease.