When you’re making that decision to leave, you have no chance of preempting or preparing yourself for moments like this….
It’s the happiest, most exciting night of the year for a Mum with 3 and a 6 year old children. We should be putting out cookies, playing Christmas carols, hanging our stockings and reading ‘The Night Before Christmas’ we should be talking excitedly about how things will unfold in the morning and when it’s okay to get out of bed…. “Go to sleep now… Santa is watching…”
I should be preparing for my two pyjama clad children to jump on top of me in the morning dragging their filled stockings behind them and listening to them exclaim with glee as they feverishly unwrap every single one..
But instead, I’m sitting here, in a deathly quiet, empty house… because this year it’s not my turn…. it has to be close to one of the most painful adjustments so far.
Separating with your husband (in my case after 12 years together) is a whole new level of awkwardness… and it’s just stepped up another notch.. I closed my eyes, held my breath and jumped out of my marriage in pursuit of my own happiness, to save my children from an argumentative household and to free myself from expectations that I was never going to be able to live up to, despite almost killing myself trying..
Its been a hellish 18 months which was then accentuated when my Father was diagnosed with inoperable cancer and passed just six weeks ago.. My Mum passed away 17 years ago. The first Christmas without a Mum or a Dad is hard, add the fact that I won’t see my kids until 3pm tomorrow and that’s harder… they ARE my family.. they are almost all I have left.
Of course, I’ve had lots of offers to go out and do things.. but honestly… I’m not great company in my current state… As I’m sure many single Mums can relate… I don’t get much time to myself.. so I’m trying to embrace it… watch some Netflix, have a wine, catch up on some much needed sleep.. etc etc….
Having children is a funny concept… when they are with you, they drive you crazy. And when they’re not, you miss them like crazy…
So I’m trying to be positive, I’m trying to face the fact that I made this decision, I’m trying to tell myself that this one moment of pain is worthwhile when I am free of the constant frustration I experienced in years gone by… I’m not sure I’m succeeding, but I’m trying… and wine is helping..
Merry Christmas to all, cherish what you have. Life is dynamic and can be a cruel mistress. Make the most of every thing… always.